Monday, January 20

I am a Preacher

Last summer, during a conversation with God under the stars, I said to Him "You have Ben, right?"  He said yes.  I've been repeating that to myself ever since.

About a month later, a pastor friend diagnosed me with a common experience: Emotional doubt.  Maybe you've been there?  You've chosen to believe - you have faith.  No philosophical argument could make your belief weaker.  Or perhaps even stronger, because there are limits to reason.  You've made the commitment to cling to God as the one who saves you and is your Lord, and really, in this world "Where else could I go?"
          (note - that first "where else could I go" link goes to the Bible passage, but here's another link to a song.  It's by good old S.C. Chapman.  Friends, I was a devoted fan when I was 13.   Now I pat my former self on the head and listen much less.  However, when Ben was re-diagnosed, I had the "Beauty Will Rise" album on permanent repeat in my car.  It was composed after Steve Chapman's daughter died and is amazing.)

So you believe, but... yet.  Trauma came, and now there isn't the peace of belief in your heart.  You don't feel like praying and it feels like God has wronged you (though you most certainly wouldn't say that to His face).  In fact, you don't feel like saying much to his face at all.  Technically you believe all the same things, but they don't seem real.

This is where I was.  Not all the time, but in general.

It's taken belief that God's definition of "good" is different than and superior to mine.
It's taken glimpses of future hope, backed by choosing to hope in much more.
It's taken these to work through the slippery, indefinable doubt, but most of all, it's taken repetitious preaching!  That's right - I am my own congregation.

I say to my soul, "Lisa? Pay attention:

This is Plan A for your life.

God isn't sitting the corner, shaking his head and waiting for you to shape up.  He rejoices over you with singing!  That's some serious delight.  He does not condemn you.  When you talk to Him, He knows exactly how to answer because He knows how your little brain works and where your blind spots are and would absolutely not taunt you by making the path too difficult for you to find.  He is right there with you on the path.  He has watched over you since your birth.  His timing seems slow but is purposeful. He has given you everything you need for life and godliness.

He loves Ben more than you do - God created him super amazing and than put him into a life that made him shine.  God gave you a season with this amazing man, and that is a precious gift.  God embraces sadness and grief, and know this is true: nothing is wasted, nothing is lost."

Sometimes, the preaching also involves the phrase "lie from the pit of hell," which is always fun.  :)


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