Monday, December 23

Is my sweet man on that train?

Last summer I kept asking Ben in my spirit, "Where are you?"  Not a very intelligent question, because it was clear what had happened to his body and my belief in Heaven was unwavering.  Really, I'd like to make more sense than this, but apparently I don't.

When I asked them, the Modern Widows of the Modern Widows Club conceded that at first, it's normal to feel like your deceased loved one is Out There, somewhere.  But most of them had felt more a sense of potential corporeal presence; whereas I got the impression that Ben's spirit was wandering about.

Around this time I heard the Mindy Smith "Train Song".  It totally captured that feeling, and made me smile because Ben would have loved riding a train to Heaven (although I imagine he's gotten over his fear of flying by now!).

Finally, I said "God, you have Him, right?"  And He said, "Yes."

Okay.  I repeat this to myself, and now it's finally starting to feel like Ben is gone. 

The Griefshare program lists five tasks of grief.  The first is acceptance of the loved one's death, followed by releasing emotions, storing memories, separating identity and reinvesting in life.  I was told that acceptance often takes 6-9 months, even when the death is not a surprise.  Strange, right? 

Fortunately, I've been making up for my wacky emotions by working on most of the other tasks.  Not so much separating identity yet, but I've got to have something else to blog about :)


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