Friday, October 24


"I came to Camp for two things: Ro. Mance." My youth pastor, playing a high school girl in a camp skit.

When I was a girl, I believed in love as all-powerful, magical destiny.  Sure, Disney was involved, but the belief was bigger than that.  For example, if only, if only Christine had chosen to stay with Erik at the end of Phantom of the Opera she totally could have saved him.  All that psychopath needed was love, right?  Christine seemed like a bit of a pansy to me, especially when she bailed.

Now?  I've seen too many real life people get dragged into abusive relationships, and witnessed that love alone is no cure for mental illness.  As soon as Christine starts hearing a strange man's voice in her dressing room, I'm like "Christine!!  Leave!  Paris!  Run!!  Also, Raul is kinda boring - no need to take him along."

I yell at the couple in The Notebook "You provide false evidence that romantic love is the only satisfaction and fulfillment needed in life!  Also, you are both extremely boring and so perhaps you do deserve each other.  Why did I even read this book?"

I yell at the Little Mermaid "Don't give up your world, change your body, and make a deal with the devil for a man you don't know!!  Actually, don't even do most of those things for a man you do know."  (side note: I'd love to see Ariel on Hoarders).

I'm a crazy lady who yells at fictional people apparently.  But that's not the point.  I'd gotten to a place where I'd see a RomCom and be fuming about all the lies that the current media does, and let's be real, humanity has always told about love.

Naturally, I married a Myers-Briggs Feeler to my Thinker - Ben: who made (quite good) decisions based on 'intuition' and was partial to the Romantic Grand Gesture.  We compromised: he could buy me flowers, but not on Valentine's Day when they are exorbitantly priced and cliche.

Fairy tale?  No, just a beautiful moment in real life.
Despite coming home to find surprise flowers (or once, a piano) waiting for me, marriage provided firsthand evidence that even my favorite person wouldn't always be there for me.  Well-intentioned as we both might be, we wouldn't always be on the same page, and certainly didn't understand everything about each other.  We absolutely weren't all the other needed, and we weren't capable of taking responsibility for making the other into the person they wanted to be.  Those expectations, my friends, are the root of disappointment and dysfunction.

Here's the plot twist: over the last few years, I've come to believe in romance again.  But not in quite the same way.  You see, all those those failures of human love come true with the God who created us, and fought and sacrificed to win us back.

I'm not Christine.  I'm the Phantom of the Opera - pleading for the Love that will rescue me "from the dominion of darkness" and into the light. (Col. 1:13)

I am Cinderella, waiting to be whisked away from bondage and drudgery to marry the King's son (Rev. 21)(Hosea 2:16-20).

Is this grandiose thinking?  Indeed!  But such is God's plan!

I am Jack Nickolson in "As Good as it Gets", having found the Love that "Make(s) me want to be a better (wo)man". (Psalm 119:10)

I am what-their-faces from The Notebook (though hopefully more interesting), because this Love will complete me, fulfill me and satisfy me. (Isaiah 55:1-3... and so many other places).
My Lover knows everything about me, and cherishes me still (Psalm 139).  I want to know Him better too (He's definitely the mysterious type).

He even has my name tattooed onto his hands (Isaiah 49:16)  I can't wait to see what font He picked!  And to look up and see His face!

Sunday, October 5

To Be a Faithful Witness

Hello Friends,

It's been a year since "Greatly, Deeply" was released.  This is the book mostly by Ben with some of my writing, an intro from our friend Greg, and much work from a team of editor friends.  The book named after a rephrasing of an A.W. Tozer quote:

"Whom God will use greatly, he will also wound deeply,"

(which, for the record, I consider to be a rule of thumb and not a law)

It's been one  year since we had the Book Release party where we served foods from the book and I threw a stack of dollar bills into the air.

One year since I released meticulously crafted promotional posters, such as:

"If you don't read 'Greatly, Deeply,' -
Someone else will."

Or the gem below:

Some awesome readers have left reviews on Amazon, but I've been a little radio silent..  Erika, my chief editor, did a stellar job with her promo post last year.  But I'm a mediocre sales person and tell myself that it's a little vain to seriously push this book, toward which I'm more than a little biased.  Seriously, last year when we were putting it together I told the editors: "I'll review and write new copy, but don't ask me to participate in content selection. I won't be able to narrow it down." 

But no more. 

Because Ben's voice has been alongside me this year in ways I did not expect.  On occasion, it's sad - like when I got sick last month.  Being so presently aware of the limitations of the body in those conditions and how Ben lived in that state for years brought me to tears.

But mostly, he's a guide for the difficult times.  As I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, constantly homesick for something I don't think exists in this life, I read Ben's blog entries about how there really isn't a "home" for us in this world and remember that we are groaning for the redemption of the world and our bodies.  And that frees me to go wherever God is at work.

When I feel alone in my path in life, I remember Ben's favorite thing about God:
 "God doesn't change, but God doesn't always work the same way. That is my favorite thing about God. He wants the best for me, but He's not going to send me down the same path that someone else took to get there."

As Ben waited - for healing, for purpose in his suffering, and really, for Heaven - there's been much waiting and ever more waiting for me.  And I remember how Ben learned to live in the waiting, and that despite the lack of resolution, his life, and God's work in him, was Now.  It was real life.  And mine is Now.  Even though I'm not sure where I'll be living in four months. 

I read about how Ben found hope in God.  How he always professed that hope and intended that hope, but was brought to a place where he actually had to rely on that hope.  How the cancer was never good, but how God used it as a tool, to shape Ben into a tool.  And I try to bravely say with Ben:
"I hope at the end of my life I can look back and see where God has chosen to use me, and where I let myself be used. It seems safer to be a tool that never gets used. You'll never get chipped, or worn, or break. But to be used is exciting, dangerous, and you are serving your purpose."

What he said below sums up some of the quandary and complexity of my petitions to God these days:

"I don't know how to respond any longer to people who ask me to pray for things that will go smoothly, safely, or that some event that looks like it could be a huge thing would be nothing. I am pretty sure God uses each and every bump, ding, scratch, fender-bender, or totality to teach us more about Him. When we ask God to "please keep so and so safe..." or "Quickly heal whatshisname..." aren't we essentially asking God to make our lives easier at the price of getting to know Him better?"

So I truly throw my recommendation into the internet ring.  Ben's writing is clear and accessible, and his journey was genuine.  I testify to that.  This book offers companionship and enlightenment into how God shapes a person through suffering.

To close, Psalm 40:9-10.  Which I too often fail to follow, but not tonight.

I have told the glad news of deliverance
in the great congregation;
behold, I have not restrained my lips,
as you know, O Lord.
I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart;
I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;
I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness
from the great congregation.

Tuesday, June 24

A New Job, and Other Things I Might Not Have Told You Yet


Taken from my deck - a sign of God's promises
I am now officially a part-time employee at Ben Trogdon Architects.  The other part of the time (in which I am not sleeping, cooking, studying for architecture exams, enjoying the Summer in Seattle (!) or other non-work activities) for now, I'll continue working remotely for LGA Studios.  Yay!!  I have a local job!!  And yes, there is a Ben I communicate with at LGA Studios as well as my new boss Ben, and so Bens are continuous and ubiquitous.

If I had reported on my job search as it unfolded, there would have been a small school of red herrings and crying wolves.  In my head, the whole thing was quite the page-turning drama, but really, it was probably just your average job search process.

During the more stressful moments, God always sent just the right sign of his care.  There was the day I had two interviews and class.  While working at a coffeeshop between appointments, the baristas circulated with large slices of free chocolate cake (this scientific study shows why choosing to eat the cake was inevitable).  During another day of online job hunting, the cat was extra full of purrs and cuddles.

Also taken from my apartment.  Jealousy permitted.
Right now, I'm quite optimistic about liking, learning from and being good at this job.  Some of the lifestyle changes involved are quite appealing - like biking to work from Montlake to Fremont and seeing more people.  I admire Ben Trogdon's work.  When he and the other employee wanted to order several intriguing lunch dishes to share on my first day and then went back to the office to calmly focus on all the details to complete a set of building plans, I knew that we would hit it off. 

Out of curiosity to see where it leads, I picked up another project with a local architect to do on my computer, and also spent a pleasant day working at her kitchen table with a third architect in what she described as a "pop-up office".  Saying yes to this additional opportunity has made things a little crazy, but for a time I can accept that :) 

Does posting this make me a crazy cat lady?
What else has occurred lately?  Well, there have been lovely serendiptious chances to either help or be helped by other people.  One old friend was my bicycle commuting Sensei.  A new friend, a seasoned widow, listened to all the confusing, sad, meaningful, frustrating or pathetic things in my head and said things like "Oh, yes - I remember that.  That lasted three years for me," or "That never goes away, but soon it will start getting better.  You are doing well."  What a relief to hear those words!

One day a friend in Texas needed advice on hosting her brother-in-law with cancer, and another day I spent at the hospital with a family whose fifteen-year old was having his first round of chemo.  I feel like I will never be able to repay all the help I have received while Ben was sick, but perhaps I can repay some.

Got a little carried away with foaming my milk
It's taking some time for my life in Seattle to unfold.  I could explain this by saying that this is often just the nature of the way God works.  Also, I could explain this by saying that for much of the last year, productively and progression were at odds with relationships.  In other words, all of my relationships here in Seattle revolved around having fun and hanging out, and didn't involve many shared goals.  More and more, relationships are crucial to me, so for a time I mostly sacrificed productivity in favor of spending time with people.  Also, I traveled to Colorado and Houston to spend time with people, instead of "getting stuff done".

But, I want to be more than just someone who hangs out and has fun with family and friends. Therefore, I've been praying for people to share my journey - for relationships and progress to come into alignment, whether that means my passions evolving or new relationships or the sweet discovery of shared goals with people who I already know.  It seems like that is beginning to happen, and I am so thankful.  I'm also getting better at being alone - both physically for a time and ultimately before God. 

Friday, May 30

On May 9th, an anniversary

On the morning of the anniversary of the day Ben went to Heaven, things started out normally enough for me.  This wasn't too surprising, being as dates in and of themselves don't hold a lot of significance for me (Ben was the one who remembered our wedding anniversary) and also because I'm pretty good at emotional detachment; though less so lately.  Anecdote: a friend recommended that I watch "Star Trek: Generations" - the movie - because Data gets an Emotion Chip and maybe I'd be able to relate.  I did and I laughed and felt very emotionally intelligent compared to an android.  This is why Geeks are good friends.

Anyway, in the afternoon I got a message from dear friend Chanda, sending she and her husband Chris's love and prayers.  I was touched and started to reply, thinking that in addition to her natural empathetic nature she could relate because a couple of years ago she had a difficult miscarriage.  And in a flash, I had a vision of Ben holding Chanda and Chris's baby.  Of Ben rocking the baby, telling the baby about its parents, waiting for us to come and meet them.  And then of the several friend's babies who never experienced life out of the womb, and how Ben wanted to be a father and that it would be just like him to treasure our friend's children until they met.**  All of this I wanted to write back to Chanda, but I was crying too hard (she heard from me later that day).  It was kind of a relief, and meaningful in that moment.

That night, my roommate and I watched "Up".  Since she'd never seen that movie before.  According to a couple of family members, this was ill-advised timing. 
But for me, it was actually the perfect way to celebrate Ben's life! 

In "Up," Ellie has the spirit of adventure and longs to travel and explore!  This was just like Ben.  He wanted to get a jeep and drive to the ghost towns in the Colorado mountains.  He wanted to buy a cow and butcher it himself.  He wanted to go around the world, helping missionaries with their computers.  But also like Ellie, because of the difficulties of life his plans were thwarted.  However, it's revealed at the end of the movie that she was satisfied with the adventures of her life - they were just different than she planned.  Ben also had all sorts of adventures he wouldn't have chosen, from canoeing around trees and a dead pig in a river in Texas (my fault), to encouraging and advising people around the world with the platform cancer gave him and the purpose and joy God gave him.  And even better than in "Up" Ben's life in this sad world is over, but his real life is just beginning.

** This mental flash doesn't express any specific theological belief in "the age we actually are in Heaven," or even in "what Ben is doing right now (if time even has the same meaning?)"  These are interesting topics to discuss, but I see this image as simply a beautiful possibility.

Sunday, March 16

Fish Intestines and making engineers happy: In India, Days 8 & 9


The easy end of surveying
While working, I make friends with the heat source
On Monday, it was my turn to lead the devotion.  Up until this point I had been emotionally stable, but oh the tears that morning!  Things went pretty well through the Bible study on Psalm 139 (with focus on story, intimacy and fear of the Lord), but once I got into my testimony and everyone on the team was listening so well, I was really honest and it all came pouring out! 

We were fairly productive on Monday -but before we get into that, let me tell you first that we spent that afternoon hiding in our bedroom.  I'll keep the reason why vague: foreigners at Children's Homes can be suspicious, and an inspection was scheduled.  During that time, Alyssa and I did got some work done, but let's be honest: there were also antics and silliness.  On top of that, there was an incident that was quite literally a "bedroom farce".  Matthew was standing at the door to talk to us for a minute, then stepped inside when he heard a car coming, and was caught!  In India, men do NOT go into ladies bedrooms.
this photo was taken after 5 hours straight in our room...
The process of kitchen inventory-ing
The site of the future Kitchen & Dining Hall!
Monday morning through Tuesday evening Alyssa and I were everywhere.  We inventoried the current kitchen equipment and recorded the cooking processes.  We gathered details about the place the building would sit and did a study of the sun's angles there.  With Madi's help, we interviewed one of the kitchen staff and later received his suggested floor plan for the future kitchen.  We imagined various elements of the building's program as a list and then a puzzle, put them together, questioned and tweaked them, and showed them to other team members, who inevitably brought up elements of local construction or structural limitations that we were not expecting.  Those engineers!  And then we started again. 

Tuesday night, with all our notes spread out and all limitations firmly in mind, we had a tentative plan for how the building could come together, just in time to start getting ready for our final presentation.
Playing around with table arrangements
This is us working hard
What else happened those days?  While Alyssa and I were out and about, we joined up with the rest of the team and I held the surveying rod for awhile.  We also met some more of the staff!  There was a nurse from Miroram, and the friendly schoolteachers from the local village, who invited Alyssa and I into their staff room during recess.  With maps and calendars, we had some points of discussion.  A couple of them even helped me with a little Hindi lettering.  After feeling some of the language and cultural barriers over the last couple days, it was exilerating to make this kind of connection!
the sentence game
Beautiful teachers from Himachal Pradesh
We even played a little.  My favorite was writing a sentence on the classroom board, which the kids tried to guess before I was finished - like a game show! So of course we put twists into the sentences ;)  Mine was "The monkeys are naughty, but God loves them anyway."
The bubbles Alyssa brought were a hit!
Finally, I want to mention our honorary teammate from Child of Mine: Chelsea!  Because of Chelsea, I had to eat fish intestines.  Her birthday was celebrated during our visit, and she loves fish!  So there was fried fish, fish soup, and fish intestines.  I tried everything, like a good little missionary.  The fried fish was delicious, the fish soup was fine and the intestines... bitter!  But not bad, really.  Another couple of different dishes I happily ingested were pumpkin leaf soup and tomato chutney.

Chelsea and the girls
But back to Chelsea and Child of Mine: they are Canadian group who sponsors Shanti Niketan and also sends large construction teams.  In fact, they will likely build part of the buildings we design.  Chelsea is their ambassador and is doing a sort of "career counseling" with the older students and generally trying to implement programs to help them prepare for moving into the world.  She's a fantastic woman who is loved by everyone at the home, took us under her wing, and held her own during our "dessert making" discussions. 
Matthew, Ivy and Shawn
Tuesday night, Matthew's wife and toddler son (Ivy and Shawn) also arrived.  And it was an event.  People had been asking all week about Shawn, and when their car pulled up there was basically paparazzi and general rejoicing.  Shawn enjoyed his celebrity status all week with the other children in the home.  This missionary family really has a wonderful relationship with Shanti Niketan.
Everybody loves Shawn